it's a sinners game and they're aiming to go out in flames

[confliction]

If you don't do something,
because you believe it may turn out to be a waste of time...
...then surely you're wasting time NOT wasting time..?...?

- - - - - - - -

Lost Prophets - I Don't Know

Today they asked me, "what do you always seem to find?"
But though I could not answer I'd have lost my way
And I could tell that this ain't right
The morning sunrise seemed to ask me why I tried
To find the strength in people who had never thought about a different way of life
It just doesn't seem that easy

I don't know where to go
I don't know what to be
I don't know how to change from being me
I don't know what to say
Maybe another day
I'll stop getting lost and find my way, home
All I know is gone...

But the storms of weather, you know they don't seem to be as bad
If you think there's hope from here and there's a life you should now have
I don't have answers and no questions spring to mind
So here I've ended up now, there's no more signs and the roads are blocked
Aw, man...
It just doesn't seem that easy

I don't know where to go
I don't know what to be
I don't know how to change from being me
I don't know what to say
Maybe another day
I'll stop getting lost and find my way, home
All I know is gone...

(I see no reason to move on)

*-+chorus+-*

- - - - - - - -

What have i been up to?
Well, i had my birthday, and i'm now 20 yrs old...
...meh.

My brother came to visit me on the same weekend,
and i actually had fun, and so did he,
although something back home was on his mind.

We went to Adelphi for a Hip-Hop vs. Drum&Bass night,
something i usually avoid, because i've told myself it's not my scene.
Strangely though, i got the same feeling there, that i got a month or so back...
...at the Pipers nightclub, mentioned in an earlier journal entry.

The feeling is weird, but it definately signals some sort of mental progress.
It's as if i'm getting better at coping with large social scenes,
but it involves the feeling of being 'above' everything that's happening...
...viewing it all as a whole, and somehow feeling as if you could do anything.

We progressed to The Welly, another nightclub, massive venue,
for more Drum&Bass action... which i really enjoyed.

Although, once again, my history, or whatever, tests me again...
...i can't deal with it... mainly because i've had no experience.
It basically involves girls coming up to you and gyrating all over the place :/
Sure, it's a compliment, of sorts...
...although you can't help but think,
if you have no confidence like me,
that they're completely off their face.
I'm also not gonna take advantage of anyone in that, or any other situation,
and i don't think the chances are high that i'd meet anyone i'd actually like in a place like that.
Although i won't if i keep telling myself that.
Not that i want to meet anyone.
...
which is the main part of my problem.
long story
it's just... too much pain...
...and i've already gotten in over my head anyways.

- - - - - - - -

...sigh...

- - - - - - - -

break from a prison they've taken for token,
and show them i'm actually closed and broken.

- - - - - - - -

you know, my mum has found,
or he found her,
this new guy, called Paul,
and he's pretty cool.
I could do without the presents, heh,
i don't have to be bought...
...but i'm sure it's hard for him.
I know i can learn a lot from him,
we already have great conversations.

Like, today, we were talkin about having ideas about creating things,
artistically or what-have-you,
but never fulfilling those ideas...
...because putting them into practice is:
- disappointing
- monotonous
- etc.
but he said that someone once told him...
...something along the lines of...
dreaming of your ideas and keeping them to yourself is masturbation...
...lol!

It's true though, when you think about it.
What's the point otherwise?
When you die, your ideas die with you.
Motivation is the problem though...
...what killed my mind?

- - - - - - - -

you know...
...i really could lose it.

- - - - - - - -

one marble after another
i flick myself across the floor
and into the hole i fall
i lose myself some more

- - - - - - - -

i don't want to spend my life in a career that consumes my time...
but i don't want to do nothing with my life...
what will i do with it?
what will become of me?
and that great one...
...when will i die?

Comments

[confliction.livejournal.com]

hey girl, i'm pretty good thx, hows about yourself?
don't worry about the birthday thang, i don't mind about my birthday, i don't really like them... but in saying that, i will mind next year... lol. changing my views about things :)
you don't suck! stop saying that :)
my birthday was pretty good, thx :) my brother visited me... but i wrote that in my lj, lol.
i hope we meet up someday too! =)
that's kinda how i feel in nightclubs, but it's also just the feeling of not being trapped and feeling small there anymore, like, now i feel like i can walk around and do whatever i like, which rocks!
life is what you make it, and i'm not saying that because it's cliche :P
when you go to uni i hope you stick it out till the end, because it will be a huge experience that will teach you loads, because it's certainly changed me for the better :)
Anyways, now look who's babbling?
Take Care,
xJJx

[popsickle.livejournal.com]

Aww thankies! Take care though and i will will will see you soon i hope! =) ttys xxx