omg omg omg

k, so... pen to paper... pen to paper...

maybe this is the start of something new?
will i be updating regularly from now on?
who knows...

...hmmm... it's hard for you to see, just from reading this, that i've been staring at the screen for a while now... i thought i had so much to say... but... i can't find the words

. . .

*thinks for ages*

. . .

well... it turns out i still need to get my head together...
...so i'll leave you with this...
...i wrote it, but i'm quoting myself...

"at any given point in time, and out of all the possible 'things' that could happen at those 'moments'... connecting with someone is, to me, by far the most important thing... cause at that particular moment, it'll never come again... the conversation will never be the same from moment to moment... and one moment they could be there.. and the next... they could be taken away from you...
...much more fulfilling for me... than all the possibilities a few games supply my mind with... sure... i could kill 600 people in one go, or something 'amazing'... but i could equally devote that time to another soul"

. . .

*more thinking ensued, with a little surfing to ponder over*

. . .

Yeah, i guess the quote of myself needs to be elaborated.

Well... for a start, it's not just any soul that i'd wanna spend my time with, i don't like everyone on this planet (hell, i don't think i like most of you) and i don't have to either.

choice

plain and simple.

My quote also touches on, rather slightly, ideas about destiny, and stuff, because yeah, i believe, at any given moment in time, there are possibilities galore... that will never happen again... EVER (yeah, i said EVER!) again.

Also, expanding on the computer games thing (which should extend into all short-term, materialistic pursuits (and frankly short lived in various ways, like, memory-wise, you forget them, fulfilment-wise, it's short lived)) i think that whatever happens during these activities, has no real merit to myself, as i'm not actually learning anything, or developing, progressing, changing, as a person... as fun as they may be, at the time, they offer me no real fulfilment, and only serve to remove my mind from the otherwise empty voids in my life, between 'connecting' with people i feel worth connecting with.

Again, that needs expanded upon. I guess the people i feel worth talking to, also relate to developing as a person... i can learn off of them... or they are open to me helping them. Closing yourself off from me, or not responding to my calls of 'are you alright?', wil, eventually, lead to the collapse of bridges... and interest on my behalf.

Hmmm... and it seems this led somewhere after-all.

So, from what i'm thinking now, i guess my anti-social behaviour has been the result of being forced to hang out with friends, who i now know nothing about. Sure, there's the long-term knowledge that, we get on... we have things in common, shared experiences, hobbies, etc. which all serve to alleviate any problems 'hanging' out. But the reality is, with no body sharing anything... possibly due to people becoming more independent... any interest i had in interacting with people, has wained. Sure, when i wanna just mindlessly hang out, and play games, i know people will be there, who i feel comfortable hanging around with... but currently, i'm seeking people with whom i will learn things with... and if that's now come down to using msn, then so be it. I don't want to stagnate. Although, physically, and what may even seem 'socially' to everyone else, i have stagnated... my mind is still very much active, and my online social life is allowing me to stretch my metophorical muscles every now and then.

Still, I'm meeting someone over the course of Monday/Tuesday... which should cause some rather interesting social interaction, and i'm feeling quite strong, so i will handle myself accordingly (according to my own doctrines of moral/ethic persuasion).
Also, hanging out with Caroline was extremely refreshing (not to mention a really good laugh, i had a good time :D), and i do thank you for hanging out with me, from the deepest depths of my soul, for i was feeling a lot better for it, and felt like i could at least attempt to be social in the 'offline' world, for once. Which sets me up nicely for Monday i guess.

Anyways... my minds not really taking, what seems to be some serious issues, seriously... maybe because it really has moved on.

I do wish to remain friends with all of you, but i hope the above will explain my actions as of late... and yet to come.

Take care