Rant...

...and Rage.

That's what I could do. I could. But I won't.

I simply won't allow myself to say things that others will use to second guess me. In saying this, I realise that yes, whatever I say, people will second guess me. What I probably mean is... I will stop caring about what I say, and how people may judge me on it. If they are so shallow as to judge me on what 'may' or 'may not' be the 'reasons' behind my doing something, then screw them. I don't need people like that.

When will people learn that I just want to be accepted for who I am, not 'what I could possibly do, if the actions I take now reflect actions I may take in the future'. What I do now, is something I just 'do'. It is a decision, affected by the enviornment I'm in, and the people I'm with, and any consequences I can forsee in taking that action. If I can live with the consequences that 'I' forsee, then I'll take the action. It's as simple as that. When the future comes, I'm sure I'm quite capable of making a new decision, based on those circumstances, and any outcomes. THIS is how 'I' work. If the decisions you take in your life affect your future decisions, then thats YOU. Not me. Don't compare my life to yours.

I think it boils down to one thing.

I'm the most complex person that I know.

Not just the most complex I know, but most likely the most complex any of you are likely to meet.

There's one main point to my 'self' that I've noticed for a while. It's hard to put across, but I think I can manage it.

The thing is, is that I 'know' what I want. I 'know' what I like. I 'know'.
The next thing is...blatently...you 'don't' know.
Whenever people ask me 'why' I do things, or 'why' I want something, or 'why'... I blunder through and try to give them some sort of reason.

They deserve a reason, surely?

The truth is, I have no reason. I also see no 'reason' why I should have to have a reason for doing the things I do. I don't see why I should explain myself, especially when what I do, affects 'my' life, not theirs.

There are many reasons why I think my conscious...if I can call myself and object...I should really say...'why I think 'I'...so...

There are many reasons why I think I work differently than others. My whole perception of the way things 'are' is different. My concept of life and death, and the bits inbetween are different. I think differently. Act differently. Respond differently.

I have made these observations by comparing myself to those around me. It would be impossible to have a 'control' in this comparison. But from what I can see, human behaviour can be documented, and almost everyone acts the same in various psychological aspects.

I'm not denying they are individuals. Everyones individual. Everyone thinks for themselves, and does whatever they decide. I'm talking about the part of us that is hard to define. The 'construct' of our very being. The very 'essence' that makes us human.

It's this 'essence' that I feel is different within me. I don't understand things very often, I just don't show it. Like when someone 'fears' a particular thing. I can't get my head around it. WHY? Why do they fear it? I don't fear it. Why do they?

I'm kinda babbling huh?

It's hard to explain, as I've said.

I'm trying to define 'it'.

Whatever 'it' may be...

...I guess what I'm trying to say...

...is...

...I'm different.

Not just 'different' different.

But REALLY different.

Like, if I let someone psychologically study me (although thats stupid, cause I'd switch to my 'do what i think they want me to do, so they don't think anythings wrong with me' mode).

Anyways, if I let them study me... I'd probably be termed as, and this IS the technical deffinition...

...TOTALLY FUCKED UP.

I am.

I exist.

I 'know'.