confliction: (Default)
confliction ([personal profile] confliction) wrote2009-11-22 03:24 am

You can bullshit a bullshitter, especially if they bullshit themselves.

I'd thought of an awesome subject title while withering away my time in a Hong Kong 'apartroom', i'll call it. But due to one evil of the mind i should combat, the arrogance of inspiration, i wondered how i could ever forget such genius. And lo - it is forgotten. The title, which is sure to appear above at some point, i shall invent during, or after, writing this entry.

All i wanted from moving to Hong Kong was to work less and have more time online... like the good old days. Now i'm not saying University was worth the ~£14,000 of debt... but boy was the connection to the world good! The time to take my time, to read and research and connect. But even then i didn't feel the motivation to engage all of the time, noticeably coming in a near pattern of waves. Now i want to learn computing languages and implement the ideas i've had along the way, which in retrospect makes all of the previous time i've had feel like a waste of time. Dramatic irony of sorts.

I've tried relying on 'the system' and was chewed up and spat out the other end, having served my intended purpose of granting every'body' along the way the grants they were due for processing me. Now i must rely on myself. And for that i need the laughably called 'free'-time. Annoyingly, in the pursuit of an apparent opportunity in Hong Kong, i've lost potential earnings right here and must now reclaim a steady income and life security. I hope i've taken these steps back in order to take many more steps forward. I'll take some life lessons with me.

- - - -

Checking your sources makes them resources.

Searching again is research.

- - - -

So i failed, again. How i am so easily sucked into these fantasies of idealistic optimism is slowly reaching my grasp. Reality bites. Now i must implement some discipline. It's a shame that one lesson out of this is that i can't rely on anybody. And yet strangers make the best of friends. Now isn't that a motto for our generation? Probably not, but it makes for a good sound bite. Many strangers are assholes. I remember how the people i used to hang around with wanted me to go out with them on their 'social activities' in order to show me that there were good people in the world. I met a lot of fakes, some outright wankers and a lot of very confused and/or downright willfully ignorant people. Conforming, it seems, in any social circle, is still a measure of how 'good' you are.

Anyway, i think it boiled down to a lot of miscommunication, assumptions and just plain misinformation arising from temporal loophole anomalies. I mean, who would guess that things change over time and that people - who once were - that are now - do not know anything of a situation that is now if they were not informed of it then. And vice versa, i'm sure, for those time travelers amongst us. He assumed it would be like it was for him then, now. It wasn't. A stranger helped smooth the way, but no life line was found. I had to use my get out clause - a return ticket. I had to leave 30kg of my belongings there until such a time that i can afford to have them shipped back here. Fucking joke.

- - - -

We're closer before,
Lying in silent encore,
Here remembering more,
Sharing seconds i swore,
But being drunk you adored. [sick]

- - - -

I flunked out of the Masters course too, all of those many months ago. I couldn't juggle the full time night shift and the 5,000 word essays for each module. They had to condense the course due to its discontinuation and i was having trouble figuring out how to pay for the damn thing. The University could wait for the money, though... and hold the certificate hostage. I think, really, what was getting to me is that the course was the same old, same old. The content was amazing, but the method of 'examination' was frustrating. There's no way i could have done those essays honestly... i needed to research more around the connected issues to give my answers (and question) a good grounding. The futility of sitting around and talking about what needs to be done was also getting to me. As was the required need to fly to South Africa in the face of previous presentations on climate change. And then i wasted my time flying to Hong Kong... FUCK!

- - - -

Copenhagen summit in December.

- - - -

So now i'm living with my father. He's the only member of my family that i have not yet lived with separate from the others. In some ways it is easier... more of a background thing. But in other ways his disingenuity really gets to me. I can't have a discussion with him because he's one of these people who believes that everyone has their opinion and once voiced there is nothing more to say. Except when watching TV. People on TV are either listened to in rapturous agreement or reviled for 'talking shit'. The best sentence so far from his mouth is that 'No, I don't disagree with him, he's just full of shit!'. I'm thinking this might be linked to a confusion between opinions and facts... and that once he's found opinions disguised as facts, or opinions he agrees with that he then stores as facts, then he discounts other opinions in light of their non-factedness. Or some shit. Heh.

Watching TV with him is really pissing me off too. As if it wasn't aggravating enough to have to watch bullshit on TV almost constantly due to what he chooses to watch, there's the added annoyance of raising points of conjecture into thin air or against a brick wall of half-baked self-deceit. Today i called him willfully ignorant.

He's also up to his old adulterous tricks again. It's a fucking point of embarrassment that he's such a bad liar to boot. Why do i feel embarrassed when he's brought to trial on the issue and he responds with such bristling lies? And once he feels he's not fooling anyone he resorts to passive aggressiveness or making himself out to be the victim.

Also, to boot, he's a paranoid schizophrenic. Not only have i now witnessed proof, but i know this from looking inside of myself. The joys of genetics. If he keeps lying and alienating those around him, he'll be left with nothing but his own daemons. In which direction will he run?

I hope i can continue to fight it within me. May i find a way to add it to my strengths in the manner that survival has deemed it an appropriate trait to have. It seems an adept skill to monitor in light of the theory of mind. I'm no fucking sucker, that's for sure. The only other major defence against it is trust. And in lieu of trust i must convince myself i don't care enough for it to matter. White lies?

- - - -

The Abstract Thought community has been very slow for a while now. I'm wondering if LiveJournal, and blogging itself, is on the decline? Is the dawn of Facebook and Google Wave et al signaling a change in social media? I fucking hope so! The limitations to LiveJournal are numerous and vastly handicapping. May the conversation evolve along with it's carrier.

I'm stumped for much more to say. This took hours in the making, and nearly a year in the coming. I said 2009 would suck donkey balls...

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