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In some ways, i can thank the irrational, the indignant and the hypocritical... because when they think they've found weakness, push your buttons, wind you up, get in your face and rouse you to retaliate... they unwittingly (or perhaps psychotically, wilfully, beggingly) unleash the reins...

...and a curious thing always happens to the stoic. Unaccustomed to the heights of feeling they are about to reach, they struggle to control the darkness within - and then their outer shakes, as if to burn off unused fuel. But by then it is too late... the aggressor thinks their target's bottom has fallen out, that perhaps their knees are giving way, or perhaps those tears of rage are tears of fright.

Tactfully the situation can be led and misled to avoid direct conflict. The Art of War ensues on a spasmic scale. The chaotic dance seems to play each as a puppet to their own beat, a blessing in disguise for the meta-conscious, the rhythmn betrays the attackers weakness - to satiate the aims of their exertions. But keep that rug moving - keep them up and knock them down, keep them guessing and, mainly, keep everyone on their toes.

Post-trauma self-debriefing throws up questions of should'a, could'a, would'as and investigations into the root basis to these claims - the adrenaline is of course, uselessly perhaps, still raging through the system. And then one has a coffee break and all becomes clear. The caffiene... the shaking... the energy influx to do that mornings work of hand-balling 40ft containers... it all makes sense.

And then the questions ensue...

Why do i not let myself be enraged by the daily injustices committed on Earth every second?
How long could i stand being fueled by adrenaline?
What are the consequences of harnessing adrenaline as a motivator on a daily basis?
Can the release of adrenaline be controlled in separation from negative emotions?

And, of course, will it be as potent when it matters most?

- - - -

Guilt, fear and misbelief.

Brain noticeably atrophying.

Zombie on?
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I'd thought of an awesome subject title while withering away my time in a Hong Kong 'apartroom', i'll call it. But due to one evil of the mind i should combat, the arrogance of inspiration, i wondered how i could ever forget such genius. And lo - it is forgotten. The title, which is sure to appear above at some point, i shall invent during, or after, writing this entry.

All i wanted from moving to Hong Kong was to work less and have more time online... like the good old days. Now i'm not saying University was worth the ~£14,000 of debt... but boy was the connection to the world good! The time to take my time, to read and research and connect. But even then i didn't feel the motivation to engage all of the time, noticeably coming in a near pattern of waves. Now i want to learn computing languages and implement the ideas i've had along the way, which in retrospect makes all of the previous time i've had feel like a waste of time. Dramatic irony of sorts.

I've tried relying on 'the system' and was chewed up and spat out the other end, having served my intended purpose of granting every'body' along the way the grants they were due for processing me. Now i must rely on myself. And for that i need the laughably called 'free'-time. Annoyingly, in the pursuit of an apparent opportunity in Hong Kong, i've lost potential earnings right here and must now reclaim a steady income and life security. I hope i've taken these steps back in order to take many more steps forward. I'll take some life lessons with me.

- - - -

Checking your sources makes them resources. )

- - - -

The Abstract Thought community has been very slow for a while now. I'm wondering if LiveJournal, and blogging itself, is on the decline? Is the dawn of Facebook and Google Wave et al signaling a change in social media? I fucking hope so! The limitations to LiveJournal are numerous and vastly handicapping. May the conversation evolve along with it's carrier.

I'm stumped for much more to say. This took hours in the making, and nearly a year in the coming. I said 2009 would suck donkey balls...
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Can't do it. Slept for 2 of the 5 hours i've been staring at the screen. And 'Sunshine' didn't download properly so i'm trying it again. Love that movie!

Hmmm... work is already tiring enough... should i start labouring for a 3 x increase in pay? It'll kill me.

Started a Masters in Sustainable Enterprise too. Applied Research Centre in Human Security (ARCHS) at Coventry University. Should be good!

Peace and Prosperity?

2009 will suck donkey balls.

Oh, and i'm getting real tired of the pressure to conform to my parents, friends, strangers, peers, authorities and any other jerk off that thinks i should be their version of 'normal'. If i have one message for 2009 it's... fuck off.

Now, where was i? Fireworks keeping me awake... bloody movie downloading slowly from china... what to do?

What to do?

Buck Flux

2008-09-26 03:03 pm
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So i'm moved once again to type... to do what i should be doing. But by the strangest of things. It started with one person, [livejournal.com profile] kitschkat and seems to be exponentially gaining momentum... that is... the number of Russian LJ users who are adding my otherwise mostly lifeless journal to their friends list. I'm interested... if any of you are listening... as to why that may be? What draws you to this blog?

The fulcrum for my now engaging with you all comes from a different source entirely... almost. [livejournal.com profile] yobubba added me a while ago and i thoroughly enjoy his photography of the Belize environ. I had noticed he spoke fluent russian with some of his audience... or so i thought... until a recent post revealed to me something i hadn't realized had been released yet. That is... the google translator! Now i should translate your journals and see if i would like to add you in return! ^_^

Not to understate my find... the google translator is by far the best i've ever come across. To demonstrate i'll translate the following phrase using the widely known Babelfish and then Google:

Мне нравится, как в Интернете позволяет всем нам быть так близко, и доля.

Babelfish - It pleases me, as in the Internet makes possible for all for us to be so closely, and the portion.

Google - I like how the Internet allows us all to be so close, and share.

Holy fucking shit that's a big difference... no more herculean feats of poetic interpretation!

- - - -

Obviously all of this is not to mention the tragic events beset upon the people of Ossetia. And the fact that livejournal is now russian owned. Big confluence of events all around really... thrusting a realm of the world into my conscience more so than it had ever been.

- - - -

In other news, i've moved around the country a bit and am finally settling down in one place. Secured a reasonably paying night shift doing pretty easy work that i'm familiar with. So it won't be long before i get back into my usual swing of things around these parts!

- - - -

Oh yeah, and the U.S. election is looking fucking tragic. Not to mention the economy, both in the States and elsewhere, which is looking like a fire-sale in reverse. Or something like that. It amazes me that people are seriously considering bailing out these piss-ant banks with hundreds of billions of dollars. Why can't they just secure the lives of those affected by sharing the sum out amongst them? That's sure to stimulate the economy a whole shit load more than keeping banks afloat that are already dead in the water.

- - - -

Incompetence pisses me off.

- - - -

And lastly... the best remedy for someone who doesn't write at all... is to just start writing... it'll come out eventually. A nod to the one who already writes, but finds it hard to write. I've no idea about such a situation... although you seem almost moved to start yourself.

R.I.P

2008-06-28 10:08 pm
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I'm thinking of perhaps making such announcements a regular occurrence... death, and those we lose to it, holds some-what of a fascination for me.

Never-the-less, i'm late on this one, yet again. I did hear about it on the day... discussed it with a few who were around at the time, but none who were particularly interested nor knew who the hell i was on about. Shame.

George Denis Patrick Carlin - (May 12, 1937 – June 22, 2008)

"I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is and to cross it deliberately..."

Although the Guardian surprisingly failed at writing an obituary, here's one from the Independent.

I hope Georges fascination with death has delivered in spades. Sorry for the terrible pun there man. I actually personally wished i had of wrote you that letter. I really wanted to know... how did you do it? To keep coming back with such cutting material, a new man, as it were, completely in tune with the modern world. The lows you must have gone through... the internal structural renovation of your mind. May i pay tribute to you in a time honoured fashion... mimicry. (!)

Real Dream

2008-02-17 02:36 pm
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"If you were any more laid back, you'd be horizontal." - Ma

- - - -

Reading back over my last post, four and half months ago, adds a little bite to my flowering retrospect. "The fast track to the New Deal" and even the business plan itself quickly transpired to become huge sticking points to my momentum. "Where do i begin?" seems to be the resounding question time and again... and so i thought i'd take this rare moment of restfulness, as opposed to lethargy, to keep you all up to date before, perhaps prematurely, i announce that things are kicking off once more.

- - - -

Thought i'd adopt the old style of my journal that evolved so long ago.
Conjoined consanant & vocalic alliteration? Almost.

- - - -

Shedding my nievety like a nativity.

- - - -

So... the plan itself. The planet self. Upon attempting to finish it by that Friday so long ago it became clearer to me how little i knew and how grand the prospect was that lay before me. I had more and more questions that needed answered before i felt sure i could take on the task. At the time i knew i had a month to get it straight in my head let alone on paper.

The trip to my brothers was a nice restbite and i reckon we had a good time! He has an accepting generosity about him that comes from the heart... and although he also helped me out monetarily, for which i am thankful, i think i'm pushing the boundaries of trust with my family members. Afterall... i still have very little to show for their efforts.

- - - -

Pidgeon holed. )
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If you can figure out the title then you'll realize that it's nigh-on equivalent to saying 'back to square one'. I mean this in several ways: I'm approximately, all things considered, exactly where i was two years ago ; My last post was entitled 'The beginning...' and i'd like to refer back to that time for some context.

These past two weeks have been incredibly hectic in more ways than the obvious. The most major surprise was a friend of our social group passing through to say hello. She had been away for well over a year in Georgia (U.S) and Eritrea. It was good to see her although she had actually come for the fair well of another friend of ours who i've lived with, on and off, for several years. They both left together last Friday and i hope to be able to visit them in their home countries in the near future. Needless to say it was a hectic few weeks here in the flat with people coming and going to say hello and eat meals with us all. This will be my only excuse for any perceived lack of progress. Consider the bad news to be over :)

So what have i actually achieved over these past two and a bit weeks? From the list i made last time i've made reasonable progress.

I attended the interview for the job but have not heard back from them. This makes little difference to the business venture itself but it does seem to mean that i'm not going to have anything on my CV to account for this coming year. All going well this won't matter either.

The bank seemed little impressed with the prospect of even meeting me as i wasn't even met by the manager. Nevertheless the lady that took his place seemed interested in my initial description of what i want to get up to and arranged for the nearest business manager to contact me. He did so that Friday (the meeting was on Monday) and talked about my uses for the money and eventually said that once the business plan is done i should give him a call, on his mobile, to let him know and arrange a proper meeting in person. That was pretty exciting.

I've completed the business advice course and been given my certificate. This entitles me to two years free business advice and in a weeks time will put me on the fast track to the New Deal benefits scheme. My business adviser also informed me that the only real way to protect the business plan is to post a copy to myself when it's complete. Sounds dubious to me... but it'll only cost me a couple of quid so what the hell. I also asked for application forms for The Princes Trust and Acorn Trust grants and loans organizations. I need a business plan to even write to the Acorn Trust but i sent the Princes Trust form off and received a prompt reply declining my request. Their letter did however seem confused about whether i was applying for a loan or a grant so my business adviser talked to their manager. The manager of The Princes Trust then called me several days later and talked to me about my idea and what i need the money for. He then asked an interesting question which put me on the spot... When will the business plan be complete? I quickly thought it over in my head and for some reason i told him it would take a week. He told me to call him when it's complete and he will come and see me himself for a meeting. That's pretty awesome. I basically have until this Friday to put the plan together. It's lucky i've also spent quite a few hours over these past two weeks doing some more research here and there and on this and that ;) I've got a lot of bookmarks right now let me tell you!

I wasn't able to set up an ebay sellers account as my friend has lost his digital camera. I need to find someone else who would be willing to lend me one... or find his, heh.

My mum and step-dad won't be visiting due to the fact they spent their money on my rent. That sucks. I'm going to scrape together some money from my dole to go and see my brother this weekend who i really need to visit anyway. It's sounding quite positive that he'll give me some cash as well. Considering he's just connected his PC to a 42" flat screen TV, i'm hoping it'll be quite a bit :) More than the train ticket anyway! I'll also take my business plan (complete?!) and talk to some old friends of mine about the technical details of the idea to gauge what they think. It should be time (and money) well spent.

So that's pretty much where i'm at right now. I'm going to spend the rest of the week piecing together a convincing business plan! When the important parties involved have seen it i'll release some details online!

I'll leave you with some juicy information that you can either believe or not believe... as you wish. I did some preliminary calculations involving competitors prices and likely market uptake and simulated a thoroughly worst case and almost utterly best case scenario. The current range stands at £255,500 - £25,550,000. Yes, that's an exact factor of 100. I did say it was rough! The good news, for me at least, is that the ceiling isn't fixed. I could pay for more bandwidth and make more money... obviously. Hope that's some good news to someone out there! Talk to you again in another few weeks when i'll be even further along the path of no return ;)

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When life makes us sad,
See clouds above head,
Feel rain on cheek,
Stones beneath feet,
And just think,
How indifferent are they to how we feel?

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